© 2019 The Bearfoot Hookers

The History of Rock & Roll... perhaps

This is the story of Rock & Roll… according to The Bearfoot Hookers

Once upon a time, before the birth of Rock & Roll, the Universe was void and shapeless. And God was bored. He searched and searched but could find nothing solid upon which He could stomp His feets. And then God had an idea. He said “I’ll make a planet with rocks and stuff and I’ll put all manner of creepy crawlies on it. And they will make music for My enjoyment.” And so He did. But the creepy crawlies spent all of their time eating one another and not a one of them had any rhythm whatsoever. God was not pleased.

So, a few million years passed with nothing but screeching, clawing, and gnashing of teeth. Then one day God had an idea. He said “I’ll make a man to shape the rocks and stuff and I’ll give him rhythm.” So, out of the mud hopped a man. But alas, he was very pale and spoke with a Norwegian accent. And there was not any rhythm in the man. Again, God was not pleased.

 

So, the next day God tried again. This time the man that leapt from the mud was of dark complexion and possessed perfect rhythm, walking at precisely 120 steps per minute. God was pleased. And the dark man set about the earth making drums, gutting cats and tying their intestines across a board for plucking, and cutting strips of bamboo of different lengths into which he could blow and make different sounds. And God was pleased. The pale man was also pleased, thinking, “This guy’s gonna be huge.” So the pale man formed a record label and signed the dark man, and they began writing songs.

But alas, the men had no songs to write except simple nursery rhymes about the goings on of the creepy crawlies. They became bored and began to dabble in narcotics. God saw this and was not pleased. So He thought, “What can I do to keep these two imbeciles out of trouble?” And then He had an idea and said, “I’ll make a woman and she will be beautiful and smart and will manage the two men and help to make them productive.” And so God created woman. And He was pleased. And the two men were very pleased.

 

But, it didn’t take long before the men were in competition for the affections of the woman. Nor did it take the woman long to figure out that all she had to do was tilt her head and smile and the two men would do anything she asked. God saw this and said, “Plan B. Another universe. Another Species. I’m outta here.”

So as the competition between the men grew, and as the woman expertly played them against each other for her own benefit, the men became melancholy. It was then that they discovered the blues. And then some guy invented electricity and some other guy made a guitar that plugged into a really loud amplifier and Rock & Roll was born. So followed Robert Johnson, Chuck Berry, Muddy Waters, The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Gram Parsons, Hank Williams, Johnny Cash, Jerry Lee Lewis, Elvis Presley and countless others.

And then five guys realized that if they got on stage in a bar and played some songs about crazy women and booze, they got to drink for free. And so The Bearfoot Hookers were formed. The rest is history.

© 2007 – Mark Durfield